Ella’s day started off well, but she did seem fussy on and off. I was especially surprised when it came time for physical therapy. Normally, she has such a great time. Yet, half of the session was her melting down. I guess she was just not in the mood to do any work. Fortunately, we were able to distract her enough to get some work accomplished, but it was a challenge!

Unfortunately, the main event of the day was not related specifically to Ella. As if the last few weeks were not already tough enough, there was more going on in our lives than we could publicly share on the blog.

We were having some problems with our live-in nanny that takes care of Ella. We’ve had ongoing problems and challenges through the past 7 months and it has been especially challenging since it is a live-in situation.

Things started to get strange and led us to be suspicious right around the same time that we got the news that the baby had a lethal birth defect. We were asking the Lord for guidance and direction. Obviously, we felt led to invite this person into our home last fall, giving her the huge job of taking care of our miracle baby girl. We thought that we shared a common unity in Christ. Keep in mind that this is someone who made a point on the first day of the job to let us know that she was a sweet, innocent Christ-follower that had never even kissed a boy. Apparently, we didn’t know our nanny at all and it took us this long to figure it out.

I think just describing the day’s events this past Tuesday will give you a sense of what had been going on. She was aware that we had to go to the hospital to deliver our son, yet she was out all night and returned at 4:15am to go to sleep. The prior evening, she offered to start early at 7am, but I ended up having to wake her since she was so sleep deprived. When we were at the hospital and she was being paid to care for Ella, she spent several hours on the internet, searching sites and having conversations with individuals that were highly inappropriate, explicit and immoral in nature. Upon arrival at home after a long day at the hospital, she expressed that her Dad was going into surgery the next morning. Considering all that was going on, we let her take the day off. During Wednesday, we also decided to look in her room to see if there was anything else that was concerning. That just led to more disappointment – we found things in her room that did not belong to her that she conveniently decided to place in her room to use, without our knowledge.

When confronted this morning with all the evidence, she did not deny any of it. She took it in and cried while we explained, in the most loving way possible, that we needed to end our relationship. Once she began to pack her belongings, she became indifferent and ended up just leaving and saying, “bye” and quickly walked away. She explained that she thought she could portray herself as someone she would like to be and if placed in a good home, she could change. In other words, she admitted that it has all been a lie.

It hurts so much to be deceived in this way, under the banner of Christianity. She portrayed herself as someone that she clearly was not. We cannot believe the things that were revealed over the last few weeks, but most especially, even from this past Tuesday while we were going through something so heavy.

Besides all of the drama, there must be a reason this young girl of 19 years of age was brought into our home for these past months. I’m not sure if we’ll ever understand the Lord’s plans, but there must be some purpose for her being here. We’re just hoping that she learns from this chapter of life and that she draws near to God, working on repairing her clearly damaged heart. Please offer up a prayer for her.

As far as our plans, we will continue to seek Him for guidance and direction on next steps. Until then, Mom is enjoying some good quality time with her little Bun. She is such a sweet child and we are so thankful to have her in our lives.

Ella’s day started off well, but she did seem fussy on and off. I was especially surprised when it came time for physical therapy. Normally, she has such a great time. Yet, half of the session was her melting down. I guess she was just not in the mood to do any work. Fortunately, we were able to distract her enough to get some work accomplished, but it was a challenge!

Unfortunately, the main event of the day was not related specifically to Ella. As if the last few weeks were not already tough enough, there was more going on in our lives than we could publicly share on the blog.

We were having some problems with our live-in nanny that takes care of Ella. We’ve had ongoing problems and challenges through the past 7 months and it has been especially challenging since it is a live-in situation.

Things started to get strange and led us to be suspicious right around the same time that we got the news that the baby had a lethal birth defect. We were asking the Lord for guidance and direction. Obviously, we felt led to invite this person into our home last fall, giving her the huge job of taking care of our miracle baby girl. We thought that we shared a common unity in Christ. Keep in mind that this is someone who made a point on the first day of the job to let us know that she was a sweet, innocent Christ-follower that had never even kissed a boy. Apparently, we didn’t know our nanny at all and it took us this long to figure it out.

I think just describing the day’s events this past Tuesday will give you a sense of what had been going on. She was aware that we had to go to the hospital to deliver our son, yet she was out all night and returned at 4:15am to go to sleep. The prior evening, she offered to start early at 7am, but I ended up having to wake her since she was so sleep deprived. When we were at the hospital and she was being paid to care for Ella, she spent several hours on the internet, searching sites and having conversations with individuals that were highly inappropriate, explicit and immoral in nature. Upon arrival at home after a long day at the hospital, she expressed that her Dad was going into surgery the next morning. Considering all that was going on, we let her take the day off. During Wednesday, we also decided to look in her room to see if there was anything else that was concerning. That just led to more disappointment – we found things in her room that did not belong to her that she conveniently decided to place in her room to use, without our knowledge.

When confronted this morning with all the evidence, she did not deny any of it. She took it in and cried while we explained, in the most loving way possible, that we needed to end our relationship. Once she began to pack her belongings, she became indifferent and ended up just leaving and saying, “bye” and quickly walked away. She explained that she thought she could portray herself as someone she would like to be and if placed in a good home, she could change. In other words, she admitted that it has all been a lie.

It hurts so much to be deceived in this way, under the banner of Christianity. She portrayed herself as someone that she clearly was not. We cannot believe the things that were revealed over the last few weeks, but most especially, even from this past Tuesday while we were going through something so heavy.

Besides all of the drama, there must be a reason this young girl of 19 years of age was brought into our home for these past months. I’m not sure if we’ll ever understand the Lord’s plans, but there must be some purpose for her being here. We’re just hoping that she learns from this chapter of life and that she draws near to God, working on repairing her clearly damaged heart. Please offer up a prayer for her.

As far as our plans, we will continue to seek Him for guidance and direction on next steps. Until then, Mom is enjoying some good quality time with her little Bun. She is such a sweet child and we are so thankful to have her in our lives.

Ella had a great day.

However, it didn’t start off so good. Ella was due for her last round of synagis about a week ago, but the medicine didn’t show up. We had to go through insurance again, get approval letters, etc. In any case, the medicine came yesterday, so we wanted to get it administered as soon as possible. The nurse was willing to come this morning between 10 – 11am. Unfortunately, she was running late. By the time she arrived, it was 11:15am. Ella was very upset as the needle poked her twice, once in each leg. Unfortunately, her OT appointment was right afterwards at 11:30. The nurse and occupational therapist literally passed each other at the front door. Ella was still upset and so it made the OT session a total failure. Although I was doubtful, we still tried feeding. That didn’t work, so then we tried just playing (reading books, playing with her laptop, etc.). Ella was not even willing to do that activity. She was done.

All it took was some beauty sleep and Ella was smiling again. It was such a nice day here in Denver – sunny and 75 degrees. So, I decided to take her to the outdoor mall that is 5 minutes from our house. She got excited as I put her in the car…and to think…we were not going to a doctor’s office!

While we enjoyed the sun, we also took notice of the tulips that were in full bloom in various colors around the mall. I had to stop and smell the flowers for the day.

Wow, it was touching to me to read the inspired words that the Lord gave Josh to write to our son on yesterday’s post. I think it perfectly describes where we were at during the entire experience and describes the peace that He has given us through this time.

I’m so thankful for all of you out there. Some of you post comments and many do not, but we know that you are walking the journey with us and the support is invaluable. All of the thoughts and prayers are not going unnoticed.

Yesterday was a hard day emotionally and physically for me, but I’m amazed at how the Lord has truly provided peace. Once born, the doctor recommended that we do not look at our son, simply because of his condition. He was trying to be sensitive and thought it might engrain a bad memory. Yet in that moment, I really had the desire to look at our boy. So the amazing doctor that God provided to us, was patient and gentle as he showed me everything about our son. I took several minutes to soak him in. It confirmed everything we could see on ultrasound. I had the chance to look into his little face and take in his little fingers and toes. Those few minutes truly helped me say goodbye to him.

It brought the song “Praise you in this Storm” back to my memory. I will never forget hearing this song for the first time in Florida while Ella was in the NICU, only 10 days after she was born. At that time, we were not sure of the Lord’s plan for Ella. It was morning and there was a thunderstorm outside. My alarm clock went off with this song playing. It was a new song for my ears and one that will always hold special meaning for me. It just seems appropriate to share it again, as the words ring true for this season of life.

This song is by by Casting Crowns. You can listen to it below.

I Will Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now God,
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say, “amen”
and it’s still raining.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper
through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away.

And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Ella had a great day.

However, it didn’t start off so good. Ella was due for her last round of synagis about a week ago, but the medicine didn’t show up. We had to go through insurance again, get approval letters, etc. In any case, the medicine came yesterday, so we wanted to get it administered as soon as possible. The nurse was willing to come this morning between 10 – 11am. Unfortunately, she was running late. By the time she arrived, it was 11:15am. Ella was very upset as the needle poked her twice, once in each leg. Unfortunately, her OT appointment was right afterwards at 11:30. The nurse and occupational therapist literally passed each other at the front door. Ella was still upset and so it made the OT session a total failure. Although I was doubtful, we still tried feeding. That didn’t work, so then we tried just playing (reading books, playing with her laptop, etc.). Ella was not even willing to do that activity. She was done.

All it took was some beauty sleep and Ella was smiling again. It was such a nice day here in Denver – sunny and 75 degrees. So, I decided to take her to the outdoor mall that is 5 minutes from our house. She got excited as I put her in the car…and to think…we were not going to a doctor’s office!

While we enjoyed the sun, we also took notice of the tulips that were in full bloom in various colors around the mall. I had to stop and smell the flowers for the day.

Wow, it was touching to me to read the inspired words that the Lord gave Josh to write to our son on yesterday’s post. I think it perfectly describes where we were at during the entire experience and describes the peace that He has given us through this time.

I’m so thankful for all of you out there. Some of you post comments and many do not, but we know that you are walking the journey with us and the support is invaluable. All of the thoughts and prayers are not going unnoticed.

Yesterday was a hard day emotionally and physically for me, but I’m amazed at how the Lord has truly provided peace. Once born, the doctor recommended that we do not look at our son, simply because of his condition. He was trying to be sensitive and thought it might engrain a bad memory. Yet in that moment, I really had the desire to look at our boy. So the amazing doctor that God provided to us, was patient and gentle as he showed me everything about our son. I took several minutes to soak him in. It confirmed everything we could see on ultrasound. I had the chance to look into his little face and take in his little fingers and toes. Those few minutes truly helped me say goodbye to him.

It brought the song “Praise you in this Storm” back to my memory. I will never forget hearing this song for the first time in Florida while Ella was in the NICU, only 10 days after she was born. At that time, we were not sure of the Lord’s plan for Ella. It was morning and there was a thunderstorm outside. My alarm clock went off with this song playing. It was a new song for my ears and one that will always hold special meaning for me. It just seems appropriate to share it again, as the words ring true for this season of life.

This song is by by Casting Crowns. You can listen to it below.

I Will Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now God,
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say, “amen”
and it’s still raining.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper
through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away.

And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Above are some pictures of our sweet Ella, however, today’s focus was on Ella’s baby brother.

This morning, when we first walked into labor and delivery, I wasn’t expecting the flood of emotions. We were admitted around 8am and induction started around 10:30am. Tina began to have contractions and cramping around 1pm. Our son was born this afternoon at 2:14pm.

Thank you for all your prayers. We are home tonight and Tina’s recovering well.

During the labor process the Lord inspired me to write the words below.

My Son
Though I won’t get to look into your eyes in this lifetime, I know you’ve been blessed by looking into His.

Thank you Jesus for this life. The life you created, and blessed us with.

Our son’s footprints (actual size)

Above are some pictures of our sweet Ella, however, today’s focus was on Ella’s baby brother.

This morning, when we first walked into labor and delivery, I wasn’t expecting the flood of emotions. We were admitted around 8am and induction started around 10:30am. Tina began to have contractions and cramping around 1pm. Our son was born this afternoon at 2:14pm.

Thank you for all your prayers. We are home tonight and Tina’s recovering well.

During the labor process the Lord inspired me to write the words below.

My Son
Though I won’t get to look into your eyes in this lifetime, I know you’ve been blessed by looking into His.

Thank you Jesus for this life. The life you created, and blessed us with.

Our son’s footprints (actual size)

Ella slept solid through the night and had a great day today. So much so, that she even tolerated her OT time and had a good feeding.

The little monkey even did her best trying to chew through her O2 cord, “Who says I need oxygen!”

She’s been all smiles this evening too. So glad to have those beautiful blue eyes to stare into.

Personally, I had a lot better day. Thank you for all the prayers. Considering the extreme mood swing from yesterday to today, I’ll take it as the Lord preparing my heart though. Today really was better, even with the news I’m about to share.

Tina had her follow-up ultrasound today. We were able to see a lot more of the baby. Arms, hands, legs, feet, head….but…

…there was no longer a heartbeat. We were not totally surprised, but it was quite a surreal moment. Our baby was gone.

Before wrapping up the ultrasound, we asked the technician if she could tell the gender of the baby. I think she knew already, but wasn’t sure if we wanted to know. She was able to point out on the ultrasound that it was a boy. Ella has a little brother in heaven.

After talking over the options with the doctor we decided to minimize the risk to Tina and have labor induced tomorrow morning. This is what the doctor recommended as well. Hopefully the process will go smoothly, and with minimal physical pain.

We praise our Heavenly Father for this precious life and are thankful for his merciful touch. I know right now that my earthly father, who is with our Lord, is enjoying some time with his grandson right now.

Please pray that the delivery will go smoothly tomorrow without incident. Specifically pray for Tina’s health and comfort as well as the state of our emotions throughout the day.

Thank you all so much for your support during this difficult time. Your words of encouragement and support are so upllifting. We also take to heart those that choose to share very few words, as they mean so much as well.

Continuing to hold tightly to God’s promises…and savoring the life of Ella Renae which is a salve to our wounded hearts.

Revelation 21:4 (NLT)
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

Ella slept solid through the night and had a great day today. So much so, that she even tolerated her OT time and had a good feeding.

The little monkey even did her best trying to chew through her O2 cord, “Who says I need oxygen!”

She’s been all smiles this evening too. So glad to have those beautiful blue eyes to stare into.

Personally, I had a lot better day. Thank you for all the prayers. Considering the extreme mood swing from yesterday to today, I’ll take it as the Lord preparing my heart though. Today really was better, even with the news I’m about to share.

Tina had her follow-up ultrasound today. We were able to see a lot more of the baby. Arms, hands, legs, feet, head….but…

…there was no longer a heartbeat. We were not totally surprised, but it was quite a surreal moment. Our baby was gone.

Before wrapping up the ultrasound, we asked the technician if she could tell the gender of the baby. I think she knew already, but wasn’t sure if we wanted to know. She was able to point out on the ultrasound that it was a boy. Ella has a little brother in heaven.

After talking over the options with the doctor we decided to minimize the risk to Tina and have labor induced tomorrow morning. This is what the doctor recommended as well. Hopefully the process will go smoothly, and with minimal physical pain.

We praise our Heavenly Father for this precious life and are thankful for his merciful touch. I know right now that my earthly father, who is with our Lord, is enjoying some time with his grandson right now.

Please pray that the delivery will go smoothly tomorrow without incident. Specifically pray for Tina’s health and comfort as well as the state of our emotions throughout the day.

Thank you all so much for your support during this difficult time. Your words of encouragement and support are so upllifting. We also take to heart those that choose to share very few words, as they mean so much as well.

Continuing to hold tightly to God’s promises…and savoring the life of Ella Renae which is a salve to our wounded hearts.

Revelation 21:4 (NLT)
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

The Bun fought going to sleep last night, and finally settled down around 11:30. Even thought she slept through the night (thank God), it still made for a very rough morning. I attempted to wake her at 9am so we could start her routine. Well, she was not going to have it. I tried softly singing to her and rubbing her back, but she didn’t want to get up.

I changed her diaper so I could hold her. After that, she got herself pretty worked up, so much so that I was having a hard time consoling her. Her saturations kept dropping and not coming up. 70…60…50..! What the??!!! It was at that point I realized that her oxygen tube had disconnected from the water trap in the line.

I cranked up the O2 so the Smurf colored Bun would recover a bit quicker. She was still really fussy though…and so snarfy. This cold, or whatever she’s been dealing with over the last couple weeks, is really reeking havoc with her getting O2 through her nose.

As soon as I would try and lay her down to feed her, she would react if there were needles in the bed. She would just cry until I picked her up.

Well, I wasn’t going to be able to feed her this way, so I wrote off the morning routine and brought her down to her bed downstairs. She calmed down enough there for me to feed her, but continued to be fussy afterward.

Shortly before 10am Ella had a major retching episode. She absolutely refuses to drink anything, so all her secretions build up and they tend to be pretty thick. We try to manage them as best we can with some saline in the nose, but she still struggles to swallow.

The scary moment occured when she coughed, gagged, and wretched a bunch of snot and scretions into her mouth, filling it up! It happened so quick I couldn’t get her on her side or turned over so they would come out. She started to breathe them in and gag and cough rapidily. She finally managed to swallow most of it down and catch her breath. I’m pretty sure it was as scary for her as it was for me.

After this event I had bit of a breakdown. I think it was the emotions of everything catching up with me.

The challenges of our special needs child on top of life’s other realities over the last few weeks has me worn down. I do find incredible strength and peace in my relationship with Christ, but my emotional man is pretty raw. Emotional coping for me includes eating, escaping into TV, eating, not focusing on the details, oh…and eating. These mechanisms for escape tend to harbor issues of their own which can also make the situation worse in the long term.

With that said, I’m not denying the truth of the situation. I know how real it is, and it really hits home when I project Ella as the child in Tina’s womb. The bottom line…that’s our kid in there. It’s hard to imagine that it is our child going through this, but it’s a life that God created. He knows all the circumstances surrounding these events, and also how they will play out for eternity.

Our trust in him does not guarantee an easy path for life, but we can hold fast to His promises. The scripture at the top of the blog (Jeremiah 29:11) rings more true now than it ever has.

Enjoy the pictures of Ella. The one below was snapped in between her weekly cannula change. She had a good time this evening playing in her exersaucer. Praising God for all the progress she’s made.

The Bun fought going to sleep last night, and finally settled down around 11:30. Even thought she slept through the night (thank God), it still made for a very rough morning. I attempted to wake her at 9am so we could start her routine. Well, she was not going to have it. I tried softly singing to her and rubbing her back, but she didn’t want to get up.

I changed her diaper so I could hold her. After that, she got herself pretty worked up, so much so that I was having a hard time consoling her. Her saturations kept dropping and not coming up. 70…60…50..! What the??!!! It was at that point I realized that her oxygen tube had disconnected from the water trap in the line.

I cranked up the O2 so the Smurf colored Bun would recover a bit quicker. She was still really fussy though…and so snarfy. This cold, or whatever she’s been dealing with over the last couple weeks, is really reeking havoc with her getting O2 through her nose.

As soon as I would try and lay her down to feed her, she would react if there were needles in the bed. She would just cry until I picked her up.

Well, I wasn’t going to be able to feed her this way, so I wrote off the morning routine and brought her down to her bed downstairs. She calmed down enough there for me to feed her, but continued to be fussy afterward.

Shortly before 10am Ella had a major retching episode. She absolutely refuses to drink anything, so all her secretions build up and they tend to be pretty thick. We try to manage them as best we can with some saline in the nose, but she still struggles to swallow.

The scary moment occured when she coughed, gagged, and wretched a bunch of snot and scretions into her mouth, filling it up! It happened so quick I couldn’t get her on her side or turned over so they would come out. She started to breathe them in and gag and cough rapidily. She finally managed to swallow most of it down and catch her breath. I’m pretty sure it was as scary for her as it was for me.

After this event I had bit of a breakdown. I think it was the emotions of everything catching up with me.

The challenges of our special needs child on top of life’s other realities over the last few weeks has me worn down. I do find incredible strength and peace in my relationship with Christ, but my emotional man is pretty raw. Emotional coping for me includes eating, escaping into TV, eating, not focusing on the details, oh…and eating. These mechanisms for escape tend to harbor issues of their own which can also make the situation worse in the long term.

With that said, I’m not denying the truth of the situation. I know how real it is, and it really hits home when I project Ella as the child in Tina’s womb. The bottom line…that’s our kid in there. It’s hard to imagine that it is our child going through this, but it’s a life that God created. He knows all the circumstances surrounding these events, and also how they will play out for eternity.

Our trust in him does not guarantee an easy path for life, but we can hold fast to His promises. The scripture at the top of the blog (Jeremiah 29:11) rings more true now than it ever has.

Enjoy the pictures of Ella. The one below was snapped in between her weekly cannula change. She had a good time this evening playing in her exersaucer. Praising God for all the progress she’s made.