May
02
    
Posted (Tina) in All Posts on May-2-2009


Ella had a relaxing day. She played a lot with her Daddy this morning in her room with her books and toys. Also, we went on a short drive this afternoon as a family, just to get out of the house. She really enjoys being high up in her car seat and watching the scenery go by in the window.

I’m tired today. I think all of the week’s activities have caught up with me. My heart has been heavy the past few days for the nanny. It is strange to have someone that is in your life so often and living in your house, and then suddenly, no interaction at all. It stinks that our relationship had to end on a sour note. I just keep finding myself lifting her up in prayer, hopeful that she might seek counseling. I know that her heart is hurting so much over so many things these days.

I have not shared on the blog, but I decided to get my real estate license. I signed up for classes in February 2009, right after my full time job didn’t work out. I figured that since Ella was being taken care of by our nanny, it was a great timing for this opportunity. Almost right after I signed up, I found out that I was pregnant. As the morning sickness and exhaustion came on strong, studying was placed on the back burner. Long story short, I just passed the broker exam this morning! One more thing that was going on this week that is finally finished. It is a huge relief for me.

As I was driving to the testing center this morning, all of a sudden it hit me. These days, my emotions seem to get the best of me when I am alone and in the car. I started to think about everything that has happened this week, especially the birth of our son. But I had a nice, long cry and it felt good to get it out. I’m sure that there will be many more occasions in the coming days as I process what has happened and remember.

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry.
I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say “pretty good” or “fine”.
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~



The Williams on May 2nd, 2009 at 8:17 pm #

Tina, you could have wrote that poem… you always seem so strong to me and not one to show their tears/emotions like me who cries over everything. I know the loss of your son has hurt you deeply and the lack of comments/calls/thoughts from those who love you so dearly have hurt you. Sometimes people don’t know what to say in these difficult situations and just don’t say anything at all… but your son will not be forgotten as he marked his footprints in my heart. We all need to “Help you heal by releasing the tears that you try to hide” as I can not be silent. Love you guys!

Amber Riley on May 2nd, 2009 at 9:35 pm #

Tina those are amazing words. I felt the EXACT same way after our miscarriage. People seemed to not talk to me or did not want to mention it and i think that hurt more. It is real and the pain is real and the hurting is real. I do agree that some people just do not know what to say. Thinking about you and praying for your family…

Anne (CA) on May 2nd, 2009 at 11:32 pm #

MOST people do not know what to say…. I’m one of them. We may be “silent lurkers”… but we care.

Chambers Family on May 3rd, 2009 at 8:05 am #

Tina – we are friends via Terri and if I was close I would ask all sorts of questions (some that people might deam inappropriate) like: Was he too small to hold? Did you have the option? What happens after? You mentioned that the doctor didn’t want you to look… I would have to look

In our thoughts daily especially Lauren. She is always inquiring about Ella.

Williamsburg on May 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am #

Tears may seem an odd thing to be grateful for, but I can’t imagine living this side of heaven and _not_ being able to weep for all the stuff we need to weep over. I’m glad you found the time and space and safety to let it out yesterday, Tina – and still pass your test! We’ll be praying for God to be very present in the times that you need Him most in the days and months to come. XOXOXO

Liz Nelson on May 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm #

Tina,
The best therapy when we lost Luc was crying. I would cry whenever I felt like it. Cry let it out. The poem is so beautiful. You are an amazing person and I have you in my prayers.

Joel Snyder on May 4th, 2009 at 11:06 am #

Ella, I am so glad that you are enjoying the rides in the car these days. Tina congratulations on passing the test and I hope that you are feeling better. I want you to know that I am grieving in my own way and will never forget the grandson that we lost. I will carry his memory in my heart always. Love,Grandpa!!!!!!

Tracy Mitchell on May 4th, 2009 at 3:59 pm #

I love that poem!! It is so true. Sending love and prayers to CO from TN

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