“This is so hard. It’s just sooo hard.”
Above is the mantra I have been uttering to Tina for the last few weeks. She may even indicate that I’ve been saying it longer. I want to capture, on video, one of of the moments where Ella was retching real bad so you could see just how difficult it is to watch. It is hard to watch….so hard to watch.
I want Ella to be better….now. Enough with the patience, I want her better NOW. Fine, I’ll even trade. Make me sick. Let me be the one who retches all day. Let me be the one who chokes so hard on my own saliva and secretions that I start to pass out. Why have her go through so much of this? Hasn’t she been through enough?
There have been days where a wave of depression will just wash over me. I stare at the storm around me, and I’m just overwhelmed. The waves are HUGE, the lighting and thunder are INTENSE, and I ask myself how I’m going to make it through.
And then…
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perspective.
This is the face of a child who has gone through multiple surgeries and procedures. She has endured countless shots, blood draws, pokes and prods. This face…this child…perspective.
She has such an amazing spirit. She is such an incredible fighter. She had to be, or she wouldn’t be here….perspective.
But even greater perspective was found this morning. Tina and I started our day by listening to a sermon by Charles Stanley. We listened to him almost every day while we were in Florida, and the Lord worked through him to minister to our hearts so many times.
The sermon we listened to was titled: The Message in the Storm
I knew it was going to hit me when Dr. Stanley started out with the following introduction:
God teaches us to rivet our attention upon him, he teaches us to glue our focus on him, he teaches us to set our gaze upon him in stormy times, probably, in a more effective way than any other times in our life. Because listen, when the storm is so dark, and the winds are so fierce, and the waves are so high, and the waters so deep, and the boat is about to turn over, the only thing we have IS God.
That needs to be my focus. I know that when my eyes are fixed on God, his perfect peace is realized. I encountered this so many times when we were in Florida. Especially during the darkest times.
My hearts desire is to be obedient to him, trust in him, and be patient in HIS timing. The storm swirling around me can be incredibly distracting, but the more I look to him, the less I look at the storm.
Father, I surrender my heart to you. Let me keep my eyes fixed on you during these difficult times. May your hand continue to be on Ella’s life and may she be a testimony of your love and power to all who come to know her. In your Holy Name…amen.
If you’re going through a difficult time in your life, and you have a personal relationship with Christ, I would encourage you to listen to this message. It’s about 20 minutes long. You can download the MP3, or use the player below.
[mp3]/music/message_in_the_storm.mp3[/mp3]
Oh…and how was Ella today? She had a great day. She had a good PT and OT session and her clinical behavior overall was just positive. I’ll let the pictures below do the rest of the talking. I’ve already done enough of that myself. 😉
