On this Easter Sunday, we are thankful for all that we have in our lives. I’m thankful for my husband, we’re thankful for his job, for Ella Renae and her life, for our nanny who helps to take care of Ella, our home, and all the support and love from our family and friends. Yes, we are even thankful for the cats…who were playing egg hockey in our house this morning!

On a more serious note, we are sad concerning the recent news of our unborn child. At this time, we are just waiting. With a heartbeat of 176 beats per minute, we have not felt prompted to take the life of this child. We are resting in Him and His timing. We know that He is in control of our lives; He ordains every detail. Although our unborn child has a rare and lethal birth defect, we know that He created this baby and has a purpose for this season in our lives.

Psalm 139:13-16 (Today’s NIV)
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Our next appointment is Monday, April 27th where we will get to see our baby on another ultrasound. We know that there is a strong possibility that we could go to any of our future appointments and not get a heartbeat. Either way, we want to put this situation entirely in His hands. Another mom who went through something similar put it so eloquently, “We trust that the God of Creation, the Prince of Peace, the Giver of Life knows us intimately and that He will prepare us, sustain us, and fulfill His promises to us throughout the rest of this journey and beyond.”

He sustained us from the moment we received the diagnosis for Ella, and into all the days that followed in the NICU, and He has carried us each day that we’ve been blessed with her. And the verse at the top of this blog still resonates loud and clear in our spirits:

Jeremiah 29:11 (Today’s NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

We also know that our experience with Ella changed our spiritual lives forever. Although it has been the absolute toughest experience of life, it has also brought us closer to Him than we knew possible. It almost felt like boot camp for receiving the news last Thursday. We are in a completely different place spiritually than we were 2 years ago when receiving Ella’s diagnosis. It’s almost like He used that experience to prepare us for this one. And this experience and this diagnosis is definitely different: there is no hope that our baby will survive, even to full term, much less outside the womb. Unless it is His will to miraculously heal this baby, we are going to experience the loss of a child.

And although we are sad, we know that we can trust Him, especially seeing how He has worked in our lives over the past two years. Without a shadow of a doubt, we know that He has a plan and can work wonders in what appears to be a tragedy. We continue to feel prompted to think about the eternal consequences versus our desires in the here-and-now.

In the coming days, we thank you for your prayers and ask specifically for wisdom in decisions that lie ahead, peace for today and the coming days, and wisdom to walk this journey faithfully so we may glorify His name.

On a final note, I’ve heard the song below many times, but it had a different meaning for me as I heard it play again. The lyrics and link to the song are below.

I guess because we’ve had lots of rainy days over the past two years and for some reason, He has chosen to let those days continue. And yet we find ourselves drawing near to Him and asking for the only shelter we know to provide true peace.

Bring the Rain
by MercyMe

[mp3]/music/bring_the_rain.mp3[/mp3]

I can count a million times, people asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I’ve gone through

Everybody singing Holy holy holy
You are holy
You are holy